Grief

Over the past few days I have discovered that grief is a very funny thing.  One minute you will be perfectly fine and the next minute your whole world is crashing down.  I have been feeling pretty good physically since having surgery yesterday; however, emotionally I have been a wreck.

I am sure this is to be expected.  I have talked to many people who have dealt with similar situations and they all reassure me that my thoughts and fears are not abnormal.  I. Am. Grieving. Plain and Simple!  I have lost all of my grandparents and even an uncle; however, nothing has compared to the pain I have felt the past few days.  I am literally numb.  My heart feels incomplete.  I have struggled to hide my emotions from our children and our families in order to keep them from hurting that much more.  Unfortunately, this has left Chris to deal with the majority of my grief.  And let me just say....he has been my ROCK!  I could not have made it without him the past few days.  He has held me, wiped my tears, let me cry myself to sleep and taken wonderful care of me.  He has made me laugh and smile even when I didn't feel like it was possible.  He has reassured me that everything will be ok and that God will give us another child.

I think I hit rock bottom today.  The kids and I went to town to run a couple of errands and we met up with Chris once he was done with work.  The kids decided they wanted to ride home with him and they needed to run one more errand.  I was fine all the way home but when I walked into the house it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Kallaway slept in his crib, which was in our room, up until a few months ago.  I didn't fight him on getting out of his crib because he was close by when he would wake up in the middle of the night and I simply knew he was contained.  I told Chris a couple of months ago that we needed to take it down.  He simply laughed at me and said, "Why? So we can put it back up in a few months?"  I laughed at his response and with that moved on. 

I walked into our bedroom today and there was the crib.  The crib I thought was soon to hold our third precious child.  Grief overcame me at that point and I lost it.  I had no idea how to take the crib apart, but I grabbed a screwdriver and piece by piece disassembled the entire crib.  I am sure this wasn't within my surgical restrictions, but I simply couldn't help it.  I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  I have now lost a child. Unborn....yes, but still my child.  Once the crib was apart I felt better, but then I started feeling guilty for my grief.  Guilty because I have two healthy children.  Guilty because millions of people would love to have ONE child of their own.  I have TWO.  Guilty for my tears and my actions. 

This guilt has been driving me crazy because I am NOT ungrateful!  I am fully aware of how blessed I am, and I thank God daily for all of the blessings he has bestowed upon me.  Time heals all wounds......I have to have FAITH in this and Him!!

A very sweet, dear friend, who has endured her own share of heartache, told me this..."While you grieve, LEAN and TRUST in the ONE who holds you in the palm of His hand....and be confident He WILL turn these ashes into something BEAUTIFUL!"  She may never know just how much those words have meant to me!